| The Life of Dr. J.R. Miller |
Chapter 4 |
Page 5 |
Little wonder if amid such scenes the young worker was sometimes cast down. His heart was continually going out to the sufferers about him, and vitality was so exhausted that he could not always be cheerful. He was careful not to tell others of his depression – he was never willing to be a discourager. The pages of his journal only were told the secret, and they did not betray him. On August 8, 1864, he wrote:
“How these gloomy hours weigh me down! I know it is wrong to be gloomy. I have no right to walk under dark clouds while over all the sun is shining. I know I should always be cheerful and bright and happy. God makes us to enjoy life, and he desires us to be happy. The general tenor of my life is even and bright. Fortune favours. I have won for myself a high position among those who labour for the temporal and spiritual welfare of our soldiers. All seems to be moving well, and I should be happy at all times.
“Yet at times, in spite of my strongest efforts, I fee the shadow of a cloud, as it steals over me. A sigh or two, a few hours of despondency, a sleepless night, a useless day, and then all is bright again. Life is a strange medley, a checkered pathway indeed, streaked with light and draped in gloom. Especially in the army is life liable to its hours of darkness. How I long at times for the quiet, the leisure, the enjoyments, the privileges, the love of home! I was brooding the last hour over the wrecks, the sad home wrecks, the heart wrecks, the wrecks of pleasure and of joy that the war has made. I was thinking of the happy hours of three and four years ago, of the happy friends with whom I mingled. I was thinking of my dear associates. I remember as if it were but yesterday the walks, the talks, the tender words of love, the calm, cheering words of counsel and encouragement. I had my dark hours then, my hours of discouragement and sometimes almost despair. I had my rivals and my enemies… I had my anxieties and cares, for I have borne my share of responsibilities. Perhaps few so young have had more. And I often felt the burdens resting upon me, crushing me almost to earth…
“Tonight I have none to whom to bear my sorrows. There is no human being that listens to my words of discouragement, no tongue to whisper words of cheer, no heart to love, no heart to receive my aching head. I am a stranger far from home. I am sad tonight. I have been looking on society rent and torn by the ravages of war. My friends of boyhood, my associates of past years, my fellows in Latin and Greek, are nearly all gone. The enemy’s balls have laid them low.”
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